A: It’s been interesting to me how many women have a boyfriend who has this addiction. These women may not have lived with that boyfriend for a long period of time and many haven’t slept with their boyfriends, but they are still traumatized by his pornography use.

This kind of pain that we experience after the disclosure of pornography use is a physical reaction and a spiritual reaction. It is a response to a way of thinking that we quite often had before we even got into the relationship. Society tells us to think, “I’m not skinny enough, I’m not curvy enough, I’m not smart, funny, graceful, or entertaining enough. I’m not enough!” with every commercial marketed towards girlfriends, wives, and mothers. So when we are forced to look head on at our boyfriends, husbands, or fathers betrayal it seems like our greatest fears have just become a reality. And this really cuts to the core.

When facing pornography use we naturally ask ourselves “Why would he look at pictures of other women if I were enough in his eyes?” Pornography use not only detaches him from you (and all other people in his life) and creates an attachment trauma for you, but it also pushes you to think, “I am not enough.” and then to ask, “What do I need to do to fix this?”

This kind of thinking fuels the pain, but to answer your question I’ll say to you here that the pain does subside. Working through the pain takes time, getting support, setting boundaries, and most of all getting a better understanding that YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Getting support is key. I have been surprised early on in my recovery that when I actually went to 12-step recovery groups and I looked around at the other women I almost always thought, “Wow! Those are beautiful women. They are not only beautiful, but they are talented too. They have it together.” I even looked at media. You’ll see on the news that so-and-so has been frequenting prostitutes and that so-and-so is married to a gorgeous movie star. And I’d think, “How do I make sense of that? Those beautiful woman have it all: Money, Looks, Talent. And her husband or boyfriend is doing the same kinds of things my husband did?”

WAIT A SECOND? You’re telling me there are people out there who have all the things that I think I need to be ENOUGH and their boyfriends/husbands/fathers still use pornography and have a sexual addiction!?!

It’s taken a lot of years and a lot of experience for me to say to myself IT IS NOT ABOUT ME… and it never was. And so I can say to you, his pornography use is not about you, and it never was. Those are his problems, not yours. Your job now is to set some boundaries for what you are comfortable with in your relationship, to reach out for support, and to take time to heal.

The pain subsides when I get support and when I recognize that I am enough. When I go to the source of real love in my life. This source is a higher power that says, “You are enough, you are good, you are worthy.” And as I go to that source and I plead and then I listen, and I listen, and he offers me throughout that day opportunities to recognize that he does love me. If I stop and feel long enough and listen long enough, usually in the quiet I hear and feel in that stillness that he is covering me with his love.

I love fresh flowers. As I look at the different beauties and uniqueness of each flower, I feel his love. When I see those flowers and know that they are important, and enough, and then I know that no matter how unique or quirky I am that I am enough, then I feel peace and the pain subsides.